My journey into motherhood feels like a mystical dream… I’m diving off the edge of cliff- at first I am uncertain, then the flood of adrenaline takes over and I start to enjoy the ride into the unknown. Suddenly my parachute opens, I begin to sail upwards into the darkness of the galaxy. At some point I meet my babe sitting on a star in the milky way and we decide to come back to Earth together. It takes much effort to make our way back down as it is so divine up there. Over the first few weeks together in the outside world, we dive deep into Mother Earth and, with the moon as our light, we navigate the depths of the Earth’s core; the rich soils and root systems, the cool rock ledges and the colourful crystals forming in the deep layers. We jump around some painful fires and dive in the deep waters to cool each other down. We occasionally come up to the surface to try and meet society which feels like a challenge and an effort. Hard work. We quickly descend back down as we come home from our adventure into normality. Each time we venture outside it gradually becomes easier. We are often faced with challenges as we get to know one another and need the sanctuary of home. We need quiet. But we also need some adventure. Day and night meld into one. Days roll into weeks. I feel the pull of what is expected versus what I feel. We keep meeting each other in the dark of the night as we keep changing and growing. I feel that even 6 months on, we are still emerging back up into the human plane. Many times upon this journey I have tried to rush the process of getting it all ‘back to normal’. But that’s OK. I haven’t done this before. I’m being guided by my intuition and at times I don’t hear it as clearly as I would like. I know this adventure will continue for many years and I’m excited by the unknown of it all… if only I allow the moon to be my torch.
Where to start?? I’ve been wanting to write this blog for about the past 5 months and I seem to get lost before I even start. This transition is so intangible, yet so profound. There is no clear starting point. There are no instructions. No black and white. You just do it- hit the ground running- hope for the best- keep going- keep going- keep going.
The last 6 months since the gorgeous and wonderful little girl, Matraya, entered this world, has been a whirl wind of emotions, change, growth, despair, love, trust, questioning, doubt, intuition, communication, withdrawal, love and more love. I can not truly describe how this experience has transformed me, my relationships, my body and my heart.
It was so commonly expressed to me during my pregnancy, ‘you can not describe what motherhood is and how it changes you’ and yes there is truth to that. I don’t believe you can be ‘ready’ in the mental sense, but you certainly can be ready on an emotional and energetic sense. This is what I’d like to discuss in this blog…
The journey of pregnancy is a windy road, a road that can throw many challenges to the woman as she grows her baby. However, these challenges have a purpose I believe, and in many cases, the purpose is to slow the woman down and help her descend from being governed by her head, to flowing from her heart. This is readying the woman for heart centred motherhood (which I guess has already begun). This journey of transformation can be a confusing and emotional road if there are resistances, memories, patterns and/or beliefs that are painful that the woman is wanting to avoid. Safer to stay in the head than move to the vulnerable and, at times, painful, place of the heart.
To do this we must slow down. To feel, to open and connect. Working in a fast paced, logic based, routine driven workplace right up until birth will inevitably make this more difficult (not completely impossible however- we have to do what we have to do). Taking time for self care, rest, meditation, breathing, yoga, walks on the beach/ bush, music and creativity can make this easier and swifter. Finding loving support networks will help vastly.
I remember a point in my pregnancy when all of sudden I dropped into my heart... We used to sometimes leave my cat at home on her own for a night if we were going somewhere, but all of a sudden, my heart was the stronger voice and I knew it wasn’t fair on her and I really didn't want to leave her- even just for a full day when I was at work. My little cat was pulling my heart strings in such a strong way. Such a weird example of being heart led rather than head led, but that’s the memory that jumps out at me for when a shift happened. I also physically craved bush/beach time. I longed for that time in the fresh air and calm. I meditated or had a nap most afternoons. I listened to music whenever I had the chance. I truly felt my heart opening and my mind becoming quiet. I guess this is what 'baby brain' is... heart brain is possibly a better explanation.
I also felt an intense connection to other women, especially other mothers and the mothers that have come before me. I felt I knew them in my body, in my DNA. I had no doubt I would soon join their sisterhood. All of sudden, the identity I had created for myself, based on what I did, didn’t matter anymore. I was now accepted and supported simply for being woman. I don’t believe it is necessary to be pregnant/ become a mum to find this connection to the divine feminine, it was simply how I found it. And super important for me to find prior to birthing my babe.
Once we descend to our hearts and are ready for our bubba to arrive, the initiation of the birth occurs. This is so out of our control and we learn to let go even more here. (see my last blog post)
Then bubba is here. Hopefully healthy and happy.
I believe this journey deep into our heart through our pregnancy and birth (however that all unfolds physically) readied us for mummahood. As the saying goes, there is no guidebook, and if there was, your bubba certainly hasn’t read it! There is no black and white here. Hence the head can’t serve us here. It’s all heart led. Intuitive led. Trust and hope led. Creativity led. Try it, if it works yes! If not, try something else. Get creative. Talk and connect to others. But ultimately, trust your intuition. The process of pregnancy has brought us so close to it, the process of birth has shifted your whole perception of, well, everything, and brought to your true edge. Now take the plunge and dive into this dark, mysterious and timeless place that is the fourth trimester. What appeared impossible, was indeed possible! You will now get through the deep feminine time of early motherhood.
Babies are great at slowing us down. They help us become present. Their sweet smell will bring you back from wherever you go to when you don’t think you can be here anymore. They are so wise if you listen. You are so wise if you listen.
My advice for early mummahood, if I can offer some, is to allow yourself the time you need to be still, to listen and to TRUST your own intuition. You’ve got this mumma, as long as you believe you can. You will find the right support, the right advice, the right shoulder to cry on when you need it if you are being led by your intuition and being heart led rather than head led. No one said this was easy, but it can be divine.